Tourrette's

[jono49]

An unemployed pianist with Tourette's is walking the streets looking
for work when he spies a bar with a sign in the window....
"PIANIST WANTED FOR EVENING PERFORMANCES".

"wombles Ace!"...he yells..and enters the bar.

"Get the Cunting manager of this fiddler hole! please..you tw@"...
he shouts at a rather startled barman.

The barman..however..obliges and his manager comes upstairs.

"Can I help you sir?"..he enquires.

"Yes..Feckface!..you can..you Fat piece Of sh1t!.
I saw your advert in the window and I'm here to audition..juggler!".

The manager is naturally repelled by the man's deeply offensive
behaviour.
Improbably..however..his dire need for a decent pianist forces
him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the pianist plays is a delightful jazz number..and
when he is finished the thrilled barman cries..."BRAVO!..BRAVO!
what was that piece called?".

"That song..you Fat feck!..was called..excuse me..prime minister
but I just came in your daughter's eye and now the slut is blind".

"I see"..says the manager.."Can you play me another?".

"juggler!"..shouted the pianist..before launching into a powerful
ballad..which leaves the manager in tears.
the manager asks him the title

"That little number was called.."Sometimes when you take a bird
up the ass..you get crap on your bell end".

"I understand"..says the manager.."Have you any songs with slightly
less offensive titles?".

"Well"..says the pianist.."There's my jazz number.."Do you want me
to split your ring piece...or there's..."I don't care if you're an older
woman..you've still got the most amazing pair of tits".

"I see"...says the manager.."I think you're a superb pianist..but
your songs are frankly..a little racy..I will hire you on the condition
that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience".

"wombles you!"..screams the pianist.."It's a deal..You wombles!".

On his very first night everything is going superbly.
The crowd loves his repertoire and his silence is received as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there
is a beautiful blonde lady in a fetching black evening dress with a
long split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings and a plunging
neckline..which boasts a deep..inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on that
he decides to retire to the men's room and knock one out.
Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced
over the tannoy..so he dashes back to the stage and finishes his
act.

after the show he is at the bar relaxing..when the beautiful blonde
approaches him.

"Hi"..she says.

"Hello"...He somehow manages to reply..struggling to suppress his
natural desire to accost her with a string of expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear..."Do you know your chipolata
is hanging out of your trousers and your juices are dribbling on to
your shoes?".

"Know it?"..says the pianist with a wink.."I fecking wrote it!"......."Whore"

[Kev L]

Like that.

[tinysmall]

Oh my word. That was... bloody brilliant. Lmao!

[Furrybiker]

Fantastic!