Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
The things that come to those who wait are what's left behind by those who got there first.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A man's house is his hassle.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
He who throws mud loses ground.
Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
My parents made me what I am today. I am thinking of suing.
Two wrongs don't make a right-- three lefts do.
Patience will come to he who waits for it.
Eat, Drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice.
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every moment of it.
To err is human and stupid.
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Even if you win the rat race, you are still a rat.
You are never too old to learn something stupid.
Dijon Vu - This mustard tastes familiar.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Some folks sit and think, others just sit.
He who laughs, lasts.
As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
I am having an out of money experience.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Crime doesn't pay.. does that mean my job is a crime?
Does a person ever get sick without being tired?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?
I doubt therefore I might be.
Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.
Give blood - play hockey.
Above all else: Sky.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Carpe diem - Seize the day; Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
Money is the root of all wealth.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke?
Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before.
We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I haven't found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.
Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
There's no future in time travel.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
A king's castle is his home.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can beat him repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper.
I think therefore I am... I think.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination.
Hard work never killed anyone.. but why take chances?
He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist.
A day without sunshine is like, a night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Don't judge a book by its movie.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?
I used to have a handle on life: then it broke.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I'm not a complete idiot, I'm just a half wit.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Andy
