More funnies!!!

[iggy1966]

> > My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me
> > a mood ring
> > the other day so he would be able to monitor my
> > moods. When I'm in a
> > good mood it turns green.
> >
> >
> >
> > When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red
> > mark on his forehead.
> > Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was
> > climbing into
> > bed,when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a
> > headache". "Perfect,"
> > her husband said. " I was just in the bathroom
> > powdering my d*ck with
> > aspirin.
> > You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up
> > to you!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A funeral service is being held for a woman who has
> > just passed
> > away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are
> > carrying the casket
> > out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
> > the casket. They hear a
> > faint moan. They open the casket and find that the
> > woman is Actually
> > alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies
> > peacefully.
> > A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at
> > the end of the ceremony
> > the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
> > As they are walking,
> > the husband cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
> > turn, she
> > climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would
> > you like Santa to bring
> > you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want
> > a Barbie and Action
> > Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment
> > and says, "I thought
> > Barbie
> > comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She
> > comes with Action Man,
> > she fakes it with Ken."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Secrets to a Happy Marriage
> > 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and
> > cleans.
> > 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good
> > money.
> > 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to
> > have s*x.
> >
> >
> >
> > and MOST important....
> >
> > 4. It is important that these three women never meet
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Most married couples mainly argue about two things,
> > s*x and money.
> > So agree the price before you start.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his
> > girlfriend
> > when he's pulled over by the Police.The police
> > officer approaches him and
> > asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" Why?" asks the
> > man, "Was I driving
> > badly?"
> > No" replies the Officer, "You were driving
> > splendidly.
> > It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that
> > made me suspicious"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Following a night out with a few friends, a man
> > brought them back
> > to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the
> > visitors were rather
> > perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in
> > the lounge. "What's
> > that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
> > "Why, that's my
> > Speaking Clock", the man replied. "How does it
> > work?", asked the guest.
> > "I'll
> > show
> > you", the man said, giving the gong an
> > ear-shattering blow with an
> > unpadded hammer.
> > Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall
> > screamed, "For
> > f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing
> > morning!"
> >