"NEWS FLASH: POLICE HAVE FOUND 19 PAIRS OF SHOES IN MORCOMBE BAY. THEY ARE
ALL WINKLE PICKERS"
"Apparently they were given sufficient warning, they were told to make
their way back when the water reached knee high, unfortunately for them, Nei
Hie was having a day off...."
"Service is bad in Morecambe Chinese restaurants this week . . . they're
waiting for the staff to wash up."
"Cockle-pickers' wages are expected to rise by £2 an hour, in an effort to
help them keep their heads above water."
"And this news just in . . . Due to recent bad weather, Morecambe council
have reviewed their sea defences after they found several chinks in their
harbour wall."
" Police named more of the Morecambe victims. They were:
Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Leff Too Dy, Intu Deep, Iam Sin Kin, Wai
Ding, Ho Sh*t, Wark Wong Wai, Swim Lo and Ty Dis Hi."
News flash!!!
News flash!!!
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Scousers
Subject: Scousers.....
LIVERPOOL
Scousers 1;
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall
and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay
fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat
him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the
car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the
bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like
that" he says, "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
Scousers 2
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
A: It might be your bicycle
Scousers 3
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
Scousers 4
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A. A Burglar
Scousers 5
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie?
A. The accused
Scousers 6
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
Scousers 7
Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
Scousers 8
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please
Scousers 9
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at?
Scousers 10
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit
A: The Bride
Scousers 11
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got
a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes,
uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays. The salary package is C£3,200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well you wombles started it!â€
LIVERPOOL
Scousers 1;
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall
and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay
fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian
Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat
him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the
car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the
bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like
that" he says, "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
Scousers 2
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
him?
A: It might be your bicycle
Scousers 3
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
Scousers 4
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A. A Burglar
Scousers 5
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie?
A. The accused
Scousers 6
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
Scousers 7
Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
Scousers 8
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please
Scousers 9
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at?
Scousers 10
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit
A: The Bride
Scousers 11
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got
a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes,
uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays. The salary package is C£3,200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said, "Well you wombles started it!â€
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."