Ok Pete.L here is a selection of my worst jokes to start with!!
What does DNA stand for?
National Dislexics Association
A dyslexic goes to a toga part dressed as a goat.
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Where did the tomato go for a night out?
Club Sandwich
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A baby seal walks into a club.
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A mexican, a german, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barkeep looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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Did you hear about the man with 5 legs?
His pants fit like a glove
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Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways?
Why is there brail on a drive through ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
If you spin oriental man around does he become disoriented?
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"A guy walked into a bar. Ouch!"
Worst Joke
Worst Joke
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ok, my turn
2 canibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one turn to the other and says "can you smell fish?"
A sealion walks into a bar and orders a drink. "What would you like" askes the barman. "Anything at all", replies the sealion, "As long as its not a canadian club on the rocks"
2 canibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
2 parrots sitting on a perch, one turn to the other and says "can you smell fish?"
A sealion walks into a bar and orders a drink. "What would you like" askes the barman. "Anything at all", replies the sealion, "As long as its not a canadian club on the rocks"
Rich.
Or Don't you boys have it in you for a second go Round 2
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a cornish pasty
"oh sorry we don't serve food, mate" says the barman
The man says " oh, it's ok, I've got my bike outside"
A cornish pasty walks into a pub, "sorry" says the barman "we dont serve food in here"
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme......................... They sent me Diana Ross
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't have a racket."
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies,"No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want, after all you're the Guv'...... but God interrupts, "Ah there a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"20 Decks?" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it with up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well.. sort of right..this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah......"yep fish says God, but to make it morespecific Noah, I want Carp......wall to wall......floor to ceiling...Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God me old mate, let me get this right.
"you want a New Ark?"
"Check"
"With 20 Decks?"
"Check"
"One on top of the other?'
"Check"
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check" ..
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..............
"Dunno", says God.....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
Iggy's turn
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a cornish pasty
"oh sorry we don't serve food, mate" says the barman
The man says " oh, it's ok, I've got my bike outside"
A cornish pasty walks into a pub, "sorry" says the barman "we dont serve food in here"
The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme......................... They sent me Diana Ross
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't have a racket."
One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah, me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies,"No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want, after all you're the Guv'...... but God interrupts, "Ah there a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"20 Decks?" screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it with up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well.. sort of right..this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.
"Fish?" queries Noah......"yep fish says God, but to make it morespecific Noah, I want Carp......wall to wall......floor to ceiling...Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies. "OK God me old mate, let me get this right.
"you want a New Ark?"
"Check"
"With 20 Decks?"
"Check"
"One on top of the other?'
"Check"
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check" ..
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..............
"Dunno", says God.....
"I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
Iggy's turn
Rich.
Challange accepted Cupa
Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
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Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs!
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What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His 'butt!'
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
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What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!
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How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
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How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?
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What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car in it man.
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If the opposite of PRO is CON, then is the opposite of progress CONgress?
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Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on!!!!!
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Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.
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What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes!
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What did one frog say to the other? 'Time's sure fun when you're having flies!'
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A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get A Scent of a Woman, he came back with A Fish Called Wanda.
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Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
................................................
Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.
Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs!
.................................................
What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His 'butt!'
...............................................
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
...............................................
What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!
.................................................
How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
...................................................
How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?
....................................................
What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car in it man.
...................................................
If the opposite of PRO is CON, then is the opposite of progress CONgress?
..............................................
Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on!!!!!
.............................................
Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.
..............................................
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup? Anyone can mash potatoes!
................................................
What did one frog say to the other? 'Time's sure fun when you're having flies!'
...................................................
A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get A Scent of a Woman, he came back with A Fish Called Wanda.
...................................................
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ok then.....
General Custer was riding along with his army when he heard the sound of red indian drums in the distance.
"Fetch me my head scout" he shouted.
Along came the head scout, origonally from Newcastle.
"Scout" says Custer, "go and find out what those drums are"
The scout leaves to check out the sound and returns half an hour later.
"Well" says Custer, "are those war drums"?
"No" replied the scout, "thats their drums"
General Custer was riding along with his army when he heard the sound of red indian drums in the distance.
"Fetch me my head scout" he shouted.
Along came the head scout, origonally from Newcastle.
"Scout" says Custer, "go and find out what those drums are"
The scout leaves to check out the sound and returns half an hour later.
"Well" says Custer, "are those war drums"?
"No" replied the scout, "thats their drums"
Rich.
