Workshop tools explained

[philsmith]

Garage Tools Explained:-

POWER AND MACHINE TOOLS


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Can be used to spin Pop rivets in their holes until you
die of old age, drilling holes that are not quite where you intended and on
Sunday afternoons breaking the last of that size drill you have in the
box.


ANGLE GRINDER. An efficient way of applying molten steel droplets to
your car windscreen, clothes and wood shavings. Can be used as an impromptu
surgical tool for removing hair from the chins of bearded men.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

LATHE. The king of machine tools. If you have a lathe any of the
astoundingly stupid things one can do with other - indeed lesser -
tools can be better achieved with a lathe.

CHUCK KEY. A missile weapon with stealth characteristics

BENCH GRINDER: Often fitted with a grinding wheel on one end of the
spindle and a wire wheel on the other. The former makes a fine missile weapon
in itself. The latter is a means of cleaning rust off old parts and
throwing them across the workshop at a significant percentage of light speed.
Also efficient at removing fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes electricity produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact driver that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Birmingham - and rounds
them off.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: More efficient than a propane torch. Will set
light to your workshop much more quickly. The bottles will also cause greater
injury and the fragments cover greater distances in the event of a serious
fire.


HAND TOOLS

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the
object at which a blow is aimed.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing rare manuals, clothing and specially made gaskets..

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and snap locking wire on the last
half turn.

SIDE CUTTERS. Inefficient pliers.

VISE-GRIPS - known as Molies: Used to round off bolt heads if pliers
cannot do a decent job. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

SCREWDRIVER, flat blade: In its larger sizes, it may be used to cut
through steel sheet, open tins, drive through oil filters, lever heavy
machines and scrape off congealed lubrication products. Especially useful when used
in connection with a hammer. Can be used to tighten or loosen screws when
new.

CROSS HEAD SCREWDRIVER: Frequently referred to as a Phillips
Screwdriver, there are three different forms of cross head screw, therefore
ensuring that whichever one you have to hand will be incorrect. Normally used to
stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt. At a pinch can be used to round off screw heads.

STUD REMOVER:. A three foot length of two by four used to threaten
young men found to be in pursuit of your daughter.

STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool made from an alloy of carborundum and tungsten
that is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Most examples are
specified to snap off just below the level of the stud into which you screwed them

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

TIN SNIPS: Not very versatile; can normally only be used for cutting
thin metal sheet.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
½" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build
up. Can be used to induce epilepsy in most higher mammals.

LEAD LIGHT: (Pronounced "leed"): The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in workshops. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

CROW BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a part costing less
than 10p.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of earth straps, wiring and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric
acid from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Useful for levering engines into small spaces

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering engines into
smaller space.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Good for calling for help.