Viz Letters

[headgear]

Now for an example of some genuine comedy genius, I give you the best of the Viz letters page........


Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway


Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call!



To all those women on horseback who smile and say thank you when I slow down as I drive past. I am not being considerate, I merely love the whiff of leather and fanny.



What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.

Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.


Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius



How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.





The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar. John Sampson, Southampton.


They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local. D Evans, London .


If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .


In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century. Martin Harwood, Bradford.


These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. Tim Wakefield, Surrey .


We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.
The shame will always be with us. George Nisbet.


Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .


I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to. B Bollockbrain, Braintree .


Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore. M Duckworth, Poole .


So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either. J Leonard, Hull .


I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one? K Libretto, Welling



'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colin Hill



'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison. Raymond



It's a pity Fred West is dead. He'd have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on "Stars In Their Eyes"





The 7.14 from Portsmouth will arrive on Platform 1 in two minutes, said the station announcer. Expecting the train to arrive ON the platform, I immediately jumped for the safety of the tracks, only to be hit by an Inter City 125. When will British Rail get their facts right?



The Government shouldn't be bailing out banks with our hard earned income tax, this money should be used for the benifit of Joe Public, not beefing up shareholders dividends. Yours, Joe Public


What is the world coming to? Just the other day in town I saw an elderly gentleman, stop, clutch his chest and fall to the ground. The poor old boy was writhing around on the pavement for a full 5 minutes (I timed it) and no-one came to his aid.When a nurse finally arrived she gave me a terrible look. I expected better from someone in the "caring" profession. Anon.



Experts say stalkers rarely attack their victims. That must come as a great relief to the two surviving Beatles.



Why was Richard Whiteley prounced dead last week, when he could have been pronounced deceased for eight letters?



Doctors say that you have to eat five portions of fruit and veg a day to stay healthy.
Yesterday I ate five mouldy plums and when i woke up this morning I discovered that I had shat the bed during the night. How is that healthy?

[storminateacup]

[stormingjoe]