THE EPIC OF THE BAKED BEANS

[iggy1966]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they
would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying
on like that" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and
shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving he had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All
the way home he "putt - putted". He "putted" up one hill and down the
other. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
dinner tonight".

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to
remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise
not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but "ripe" as a rotten
egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and
fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when
another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrrlllllllppppp!"

It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep
from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell
would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal, when he
felt another urge coming on. He shifted his weight to the other leg
and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled,
the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the
table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in
the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning
them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and
folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture
of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologising for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.

After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold and
yelled "Surprise!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the dinner table for his surprise birthday party!!!