Please find below revised HR Policy effective immediately
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your pay. If we
see you wearing £250 Prada trainers and carrying a £450 Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay rise. If
you dress in-between, you are right where you should be and therefore you
do not need a pay rise.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will be entitled to 104 days off per year. These days are
called Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
TOILET BREAKS:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
3 minute time limit in the loos. At the end of the three minutes an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the toilet door will open
and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will
be posted on the company intranet bulletin board under the Chronic
Offender category.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more to look
healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because
thats all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast
Thank-you for your loyalty to the Department.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all
questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
HR Policy Department.