In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from
surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
-----------
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
-----------
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma,
know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his
underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're
eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
-----------
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car
tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a
blowjob."
So the girl puts his chipolata in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your chipolata tastes like sh!t!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother
tonight."
------------
This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television.
All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend
storms through.
She screams, "You f*cking asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom,
wondering, "Now what have I done?"
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks
her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should
leave you and that you're a pedophile!"
The man responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old."
------------
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of
business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a
leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair
clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the
guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes
it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your chipolata?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't
touching it.
-----------------
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father
when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch.
Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you
had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head
out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is
killing me."
---------------------
A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"
The mom answers, "A vagina."
And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."
Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"
And the dad answers, "A chipolata."
So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"
And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."
