At my house

[legendlives]

Came home the other night to find my wife doing something very rude with a cucumber.
"Don't do that" I said "I've got to eat that later, and now it will taste of salad"...

[alanfjones1411]

Doh

[legendlives]

The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels, has handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.


I can't wait, I f**k*ng love Shepherd's Pie.

[legendlives]

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, but I gave her superglue by mistake.....





....She's still not talking to me......

[lloydie]

Ha ha [THUMBS UP SIGN]

[legendlives]

Cost me a fortune this week...
My Facebook went down so I had to phone everyone to see what they were having for tea.

[legendlives]

My wife was feeling really horny.
She wanted me to slip her a length, the trouble was, I didn't feel like it.
I just wanted to read.
But as I was reading, every so often, I would reach over, and rub her 'down there'.
After a while, she said,
"If you don't want to have sex , will you stop teasing me?
I replied, "I'm just wetting my fingers, so i can turn the page!"

[legendlives]

My wife left me because keep hiding her wheelchair.

It's OK though, 'cos she always keeps crawling back.......

[legendlives]

My wife left me a note on the fridge:

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mum's"

I opened the fridge. The light came on, the beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

[legendlives]

My wife passed our daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed the daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, I heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, I observed my daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To my query as to what she was doing, she said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, My wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed me sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to me on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the #@!* are you doing?'
I just replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[legendlives]

My Mum has told me that, at the age of 55, it was about time I had a place of my own.
I told her that, since she is 95, I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.

[Sir-knob-head]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm crying with laughter!!!!!!!

[legendlives]

I walked in from work this evening to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her pussy.
"Oh for f**k's sake, " I said. "Have some dignity about yourself and at least use a dildo or something."
"Oh piss off " She snapped, "What do you think I'm looking for?"

[lloydie]

I walked in from work this evening to find my wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her pussy.
"Oh for f**k's sake, " I said. "Have some dignity about yourself and at least use a dildo or something."
"Oh piss off " She snapped, "What do you think I'm looking for?"

thats nasty

[Jamoi]

Bloody Nora! haha