The following will be well understood by those who came to the Storm Gathering in Coalville. The rest of you can insert the name of your 'favourite' town...
NEWSFLASH - MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HITS COALVILLE
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of Monday morning Epicentre: Coalville.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering â€wombles Hell†and “Bollocks†and “where’s my fagsâ€
The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £35.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Blackpool and Skegness were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken before their giro arrived.
The Echo reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Coalville. One resident, Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of three said “ It was such a shock my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morningâ€
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundstretcher.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after.
Items most needed are:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps.
Kappa Tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell Suits (female)
White sports socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Matalan.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same
Required food stuffs include:
Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Fosters or Special Brew.
22p buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 6
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected
Please do not send tents for shelter as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas Whitwick and Ellistown.