At the pub

legendlives · Post by **legendlives** » Thu Sep 10, 2015 11:42 am

Went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"paedophile" and "pervert" at me just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 60.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

legendlives · Post by **legendlives** » Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:14 pm

I was at the bar the other night and heard three girls with an overabundance of flesh, talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them screeched, "It's WALES, you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied,

"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

lloydie · Post by **lloydie** » Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:16 pm

Ha ha

alanfjones1411 · Post by **alanfjones1411** » Thu Sep 10, 2015 5:22 pm

Doh

legendlives · Post by **legendlives** » Fri Sep 11, 2015 10:52 pm

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. “Oh, no. My wife will kill me!”
Tony says, “Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell the mrs that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.”...
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve puked all over yourself! My God, you’re disgusting!”
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, “Nowainaminit, I can e’splain everythin! Itsh snot wha ew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me… he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an’ gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!”
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, “But this is forty bucks.”
“Oh, yeah…I almos’ fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.”

legendlives · Post by **legendlives** » Fri Sep 18, 2015 5:24 am

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

the barman says, "Oh no, not U2 again...."

legendlives · Post by **legendlives** » Sun Oct 11, 2015 8:27 am

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a rock."

fabiostar · Post by **fabiostar** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 3:09 pm

lmfao brilliant

bigtwinthing · Post by **bigtwinthing** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 10:51 pm

legendlives wrote:There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a rock."

sorry i didn't get that!

TheGingerBeardMan · Post by **TheGingerBeardMan** » Tue Oct 13, 2015 11:16 pm

bigtwinthing wrote:sorry i didn't get that!

Y'know, I've read it 3 times, and I can't get the punchline either....

legendlives · Post by **legendlives** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 2:16 am

For some reason, when you type in 'male chicken' the filter swaps the 'c' for an 'r'.

It makes the joke far funnier.....

AMCQ46 · Post by **AMCQ46** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 9:07 am

TheGingerBeardMan wrote:
bigtwinthing wrote:sorry i didn't get that!
Y'know, I've read it 3 times, and I can't get the punchline either....

the swear filter changed the word C-O-C-K for ROCK............ do you get it now?

TheGingerBeardMan · Post by **TheGingerBeardMan** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 12:47 pm

Awww for fechs sake

. Yes, reading it back with the letter changed makes a world of difference.

I get it now. And I'm not usually slow for these things.

Call me thick. Call me stupid. Call me anything you want. But just don't call me early in the morning!

TheGingerBeardMan · Post by **TheGingerBeardMan** » Wed Oct 14, 2015 12:49 pm

legendlives wrote:when you type in 'male chicken' the filter swaps the 'c' for an 'r'.

Strange. What the heck is a "male rhirken".

breakerm · Post by **breakerm** » Sun Nov 01, 2015 6:23 pm

VTR1000.ORG

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