Comedy quotes

[iggy1966]

Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival:

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to
see who's got the better imaginary friend." - Rich Jeni

"I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a
black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." -
Franck Dubosc

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Gary Valentine

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never
experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars."
- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on
Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'" - John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold
my purse.'" - Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" - Rich Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Tim Steeves

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships." - Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane :
Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." -
Rich Jeni

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex--no matter what she's reading."
- Emo Philips

"What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the
windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." - Ken Scott

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is." - Lenny Clarke

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
problem?'" - Emo Philips

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Rich Jeni

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Ren Hicks

"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive
scrotum!'" - Jeff Green

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Emo Philips

"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head." I saw my
president get head." - Elon Gold

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by
a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Kevin James

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment
turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b*tch." - Rich
Jeni