Some i've heard slightly rude

[sparky750]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes
Up, and yells at me for staying out so late! "

His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap
her on the butt and say, "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's
sound asleep. It works every time!!!



A man goes out bear hunting. He takes with him a pistol, a shotgun and an elephant gun. First day, he heads out into the forest with his pistol. He comes to this clearing and sees this huge great Grizzly looking straight at him. So he raises the pistol and shoots it right between the eyes. The Grizzly shakes his head a few times, grabs the guy and says, "Try to kill me would ya? You got two choices...Either I rip your head clean off, or you drop your trousers, bend over and let me have my way with you." Obviously, the lesser of two evils, the man drops his trousers.

Next day, he's out again, this time with his shotgun. He comes to the clearing, sees the bear and aims the gun at the bears heart. The bear hardly flinches. Grabs the guy and offers him two choices. Rip his head off or he gets a bunch of his bear friends and they ALL have their way. 2 hours later, the poor guy staggers back to his tent and collapses.

Following day, he takes the pistol, shotgun AND the elephant gun. Comes to the clearing, he fires the pistol at the bears head, the shotgun at his heart and the elephant gun at his stomach. The bear shakes it all off, grabs the guy and says..............."You're not here for the hunting are you?"

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me,

"What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What the hell does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge."