Ten - one to make the batter,
and nine to peel the smarties.
I expect some whitty replies from our Aussie mates, best joke wins ok.
bad jokes
bad jokes
How many australians does it take to make chocolate cookies?
Ten - one to make the batter,
and nine to peel the smarties.
I expect some whitty replies from our Aussie mates, best joke wins ok.
Ten - one to make the batter,
and nine to peel the smarties.
I expect some whitty replies from our Aussie mates, best joke wins ok.
it may be clever, but its not big.
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VTRgirl
- Posts: 2281
- Joined: Mon May 16, 2005 3:22 pm
- Location: Sunny Queensland, Great Southern Land
Well I may as well dive in the deep end & get you all at once!
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman went for a round of golf, taking their wives along as caddies.
While walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up & landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over & angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually nobody notices". The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket & says, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's & Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up & landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman was livid & he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments". With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket & said "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's & get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up & landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket & said "Here's a comb. At least you could tidy yourself up a bit"...
An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman went for a round of golf, taking their wives along as caddies.
While walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up & landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over & angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually nobody notices". The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket & says, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's & Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up & landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman was livid & he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments". With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket & said "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's & get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up & landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket & said "Here's a comb. At least you could tidy yourself up a bit"...
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, 'Shut up... you're next.'
Joe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.
'What would you like to do first, Kim?' asked Joe.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went and because she'd been there before the man guessed Kim's correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.
Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
'Where to next?'
Kim responded: 'I want to get weighed,' but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, 'How'd it go?' she asked.
Kim said, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.'
This blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.
She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.
When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,
'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'
The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,
'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'
The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,
'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your @$$.'
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
'I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, butt hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
'You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to that little b****** on your knee.'
One day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to her husband, 'Shut up... you're next.'
Joe took his blonde blind date to a seaside carnival.
'What would you like to do first, Kim?' asked Joe.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser, who guessed 70 kg. Kim got on the scale and it read 67 kg and she won a prize. .
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she wanted to do next.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went and because she'd been there before the man guessed Kim's correct weight and Joe lost his dollar.
Kim and Joe walked around the carnival and again he asked,
'Where to next?'
Kim responded: 'I want to get weighed,' but by this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her flatmate, Laura, asked Kim about her blind date, 'How'd it go?' she asked.
Kim said, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.'
This blonde is driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat.
She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while.
When she can't stand it any more, she calls out to the blonde in the field,
'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?'
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, 'Because it is an ocean of wheat.'
The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field,
'It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.'
The blonde in the field just shrugs her shoulders and begins rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road is beside herself and shakes her fist at the blonde in the field yelling,
'If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your @$$.'
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
'I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, butt hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor'
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
'You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to that little b****** on your knee.'
A man walking along a beach and was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned
against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from
the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of
the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with
both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned
against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally
hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled
on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Feck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Re: bad jokes
In making the batter though, you forgot to mention the cultivation, harvesting and drying of the most important ingrediant. We have some real nice green flecked chocolate cookies here.nhr22259 wrote:How many australians does it take to make chocolate cookies?
Ten - one to make the batter,
and nine to peel the smarties.
I expect some whitty replies from our Aussie mates, best joke wins ok.
I actualy dont know why I bothered to reply. It seems as though your countryman (jokes in themselves) have not read your opening thread and told jokes about thier fellow blond pommes.
Submariners go down for a living..!!
dark&stormy
(the bike stupid)
dark&stormy
(the bike stupid)
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EggShellBlond
- Posts: 192
- Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2003 5:55 pm
I think it's an abbreviation of " Pomegranit" , the colour of which resembles an Englishman subjected to fierce sunlight , allegedlyVTRgirl wrote:Isn't "pomme" French for potato or something? Where did this originate?
Anyway , what are you two doing ?
Kaz , kitchen ! Now!!
VTRgirl , bedroom ! Now!!
Order is restored , carry on
If a job's worth doing..........It's worth paying someone to do it properly
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EggShellBlond
- Posts: 192
- Joined: Thu Nov 06, 2003 5:55 pm
how the ............
now look here thread hi-jackers.............where did apples come from and how come sex came into this thread are you all PREVERTS.............
oh you are ! goodie can i come and play ?
oh you are ! goodie can i come and play ?
it may be clever, but its not big.
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yellafella
- Posts: 1276
- Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:58 am
- Location: Middlesbrough
VTRgirl wrote:Isn't "pomme" French for potato or something? Where did this originate?
And you call yourself an Australian(hrmph) Pomme or pommy is a coloquial noun for "prisoner of motherland England". Usaly used to describe you bread stealing commoners that are sent over here to serve out ya sentence at the expence of the Australian colonies. 
Submariners go down for a living..!!
dark&stormy
(the bike stupid)
dark&stormy
(the bike stupid)