A pest controller goes into a pub to look at the insect infestation in the flat upstairs. He gets chatting to the landlady and after a while she offers to make him a coffee. A few minutes later she comes back into the room without a stitch on. "My husband's out, why don't you join me in the bedroom" she says. What what could he do? He follows her into the bedroom & takes off his clothes. Suddenly they hear the door to the flat slam.
"Quick, it's my husband" says the landlady. "Hide in the wardrobe". In walks the husband. "Hello dear, it's raining. I've just popped back for my umbrella". As he opens the wardrobe the husband exlaims "what the hell are you doing in my bedroom cupboard?"
"Ummmm.. Errrr... I'm the moth man. I'm in here to get rid of your moths". "So why are you naked" says the husband.
The moth man looks down... "Those sneaky little gits"...
Joke of the Day
-
VTRgirl
- Posts: 2281
- Joined: Mon May 16, 2005 3:22 pm
- Location: Sunny Queensland, Great Southern Land
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000 kms since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
- Oil Change $55.00
- Coffee $2.50
Total $57.50
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.
2) Stop by Liqourland and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheelie bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18 ) Sunday: Skip mowing lawn and taking kids to footy because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to Liqourland buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower fuel.
29) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin swearing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2004)
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 ) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 ) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
- Parts $95.00
- DUI $2,500.00
- Impound fee $75.00
- Bail $1,500.00
- Beer $60.00.
Total $4,230.00
But hey! - at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done right!!!
1) Pull up to Ultra Tune after driving 10,000 kms since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
- Oil Change $55.00
- Coffee $2.50
Total $57.50
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $95.00.
2) Stop by Liqourland and buy a carton of beer, write a cheque for $30.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8 ) Look for 9/16 box end spanner.
9) Give up and use pliers.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up, crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheelie bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) A mate shows up, finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
18 ) Sunday: Skip mowing lawn and taking kids to footy because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to Liqourland buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first Litre of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28 ) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower fuel.
29) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid pliers tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorpan in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin swearing fit.
34) Throw stupid pliers.
35) Swear for additional 10 minutes because pliers hit Miss August (2004)
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38 ) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48 ) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
- Parts $95.00
- DUI $2,500.00
- Impound fee $75.00
- Bail $1,500.00
- Beer $60.00.
Total $4,230.00
But hey! - at least you know the job was done and you know the job was done right!!!
If you ate yourself would you become twice as big or simply disappear?
-
SILVER ZIPPER
- Posts: 740
- Joined: Sat Jun 25, 2005 10:37 pm
- Location: DERBYSHIRE
-
VTRgirl
- Posts: 2281
- Joined: Mon May 16, 2005 3:22 pm
- Location: Sunny Queensland, Great Southern Land
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife, the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then, one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Then, one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
If you ate yourself would you become twice as big or simply disappear?